


if i just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?

by whoever_i_am



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sleepy Cuddles, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 07:41:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3282389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoever_i_am/pseuds/whoever_i_am
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm not good at writing summaries, so here's an excerpt:</p><p>"That’s who they made you, Bucky. Not who you are. Not who you were before, and not who you are now. And sure, you’re different now, but so is everything else. I’ve changed. So why the fuck should it matter?” He’s almost surprised at himself for swearing, and what comes out of his mouth next shocks him even more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yes it's another cheesy song lyric title. i refuse to apologize this time, at least it's a really good song (I think so anyway.) i wrote this in class because i got bored after a test- hope you like it.

“Bucky?” Steve knocks, but when there’s no answer he gingerly enters. “You in here?”

Then he spots him, head in his hands, sitting on the edge of the bed. He rushes to his best friend’s side, wrapping an arm around him like he’s done so many times before. They always seemed to fit together perfectly. Honestly, he knows he would definitely enjoy all this proximity to Bucky, if it wasn’t delivered at the hands of horrible nightmares and HYDRA.

Bucky doesn’t say anything. He never does when it gets like this. Sometimes he’ll be screaming and shouting in Russian, with no one but Natasha able to calm him down. Or sometimes he’ll be talkative. Well, not really talkative, but he’ll open up to Steve. But this is one of the days where he can’t say anything- it’s one of the worst.

So Steve just sits for a while, his heart breaking a little more every second. He can’t bear seeing the man he loves hate himself so much. Not that he could ever tell Bucky he loves him. But it’s true. He knows it.

“Bucky.” He murmurs softly, rubbing his arm up and down Bucky’s back. “I- what you did, I’m not- not going to pretend you’re okay, that it’s okay.”

Bucky whimpers miserably and Steve grabs his shoulder, forcing him to look him in the eye. “But that’s who they made you, Bucky. Not who you are. Not who you were before, and not who you are now. And sure, you’re different now, but so is everything else. I’ve changed. So why the fuck should it matter?” He’s almost surprised at himself for swearing, and what comes out of his mouth next shocks him even more. “Oh god, I’m saying this all wrong. Sorry. What I mean is you really are a good person, Buck. You are. You’re a good person so deep down that they could never touch that, nothing they could do could touch that. And I like who you are now. Maybe...maybe more than I should.”

Bucky stays silent, which is normal, but it starts to seem like too long and Steve’s brain goes into overdrive panic mode. Oh, God, why did he say that? “I’m sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t mean…” He trails off, unsure of what to say next or how he would say it. 

No matter everything that’s happened between them and to them, somehow when he’s with Bucky he feels like it’s the 1940s again and he’s sickly little Steve Rogers, pathetic and falling for his best friend.

“You’re not pathetic.” Steve is relieved that Bucky’s spoken until he realizes what he said. His eyes snap open and he turns absolutely red. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh n-

His train of thought is abruptly derailed as Bucky grabs him and presses his lips straight onto Steve’s.

“Punk.” Bucky mumbles against Steve’s mouth. Steve himself is torn between keeping his mouth pressed to Bucky’s for as long as possible or asking how long he’s felt this way. It almost seems too easy, in the end. 

Surely it should have been harder to confess, or he should have been rejected? Just because this has happened in his fantasies doesn’t mean he ever dreamt it would come true. Albeit a little reluctantly, he decides on the latter. He has to know.

“I don’t know, Steve, since forever.” He kisses Steve again, but pulls away when he realizes that Steve isn’t kissing back. “Did you mean it, Stevie? Because I did, I’ve waited a century for this, but I ain’t gonna do anything you don’t wanna.”

It’s the nickname that really does it for Steve, he thinks. He practically melts back into Bucky, muttering a consistent stream of “yes of course I meant it, you fuckin idiot.” Bucky pushes him down so that they’re lying on the bed. He pulls at Bucky’s shirt, grabbing fistfuls of it, wanting, needing him closer. As close as possible. Steve needs more of that familiar smell of metal and shampoo and of Bucky. 

He tastes like home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluff and feelings, yippee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some ideas, so if anyone really wants me to I think I could add at least one more chapter..idk

Steve wakes up in the middle of the night, and for the first time in who knows how long it’s not because of nightmares. Well not his own, anyway. And there’s no screaming this time, or throwing things. Bucky is sitting up towards the headboard, gripping his knees to his chest and mumbling incoherently.

“Gamepieces…weapons. A weapon. That’s all I am, Steve. That’s all I ever will be. They took who I was and they fucking destroyed him and now I’m just-“ Bucky breaks off into heart-wrenching sobs.

“Shhh, shhh.” Steve scoots up on the bed and rubs Bucky’s back. slowly and soothingly. “This is the end of that. It’s not gone but it’s over, Buck.”

Bucky’s eyes meet Steve’s, full of questioning and fear and a deep, echoing, heartbreaking sadness. “You won’t leave?” 

In spite of himself, Steve almost cracks a smile. Bucky’s sweet, and although this is not the time nor place it’s so nice to know that he really is needed, as something other than Captain America. Bucky didn’t need the indestructible Captain; he just wanted Steve. The real Steve.  
“Of course, Buck. I’m here now. They aren’t. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Bucky nods to himself, quickly and quietly. “You ain’t going anywhere.” He repeats. A brief silence descends, only to be broken again by Bucky’s voice. “In the beginning, Stevie?” It’s not really a question, though the inflection in his voice would suggest it. “When I first joined up?” 

Steve’s relieved to hear him talking about the army, instead of HYDRA, glad that he’s trying to talk past it. “Yeah?”

“I was so terrified.”

Steve tenses up and retracts his previous thoughts. Maybe this isn’t great after all…but he won’t interrupt. As long as Bucky is willing to talk it’s his job to listen. He holds Bucky closer, so tightly that it’s as if he’s trying to get through to Past Bucky to comfort him. 

“Aw, Stevie, lighten up. I wasn’t scared for me.” Bucky smirks just a little bit. “I was just worried about you. What was gonna happen if you got into a scrape and I wasn’t there to patch you up again? You were such a punk. Too good for your own good.” He chuckles very softly. “Still are.” Bucky runs his hands through Steve’s hair affectionately, his metal hand, and it’s a bigger gesture of trust and care than Steve could have ever possibly asked for. 

Steve allows himself a smile this time because of the more lighthearted shift in topics. 

“Guess you’re less breakable now. It ain’t my job to look after you any more. Y’don’t need me.”

“Bucky!” Steve protests incredulously. “Yeah, I grew up a little and I don’t have to worry about being knocked out by an asthma attack after walking up a flight of stairs, but Jesus, I still need you. Thought you knew that. Thought you would after tonight, at least.” He pauses and glimpses a flash of something in Bucky’s forlorn eyes. Just a glimmer of something; something like- hope? Love? Trust? Secretly, Steve hopes it’s a mix of all three. “’Course I need you, jerk. Always have, always will.”

Bucky snorts disdainfully. “Yeah, ‘cause what every guy needs in his life is a traumatized ex-fucking-assassin with PTSD and panic attacks.” 

Steve doesn’t know what to say next, how to respond, how to prove Bucky that he is worth it because he’s so much more than just the human machine gun that HYDRA tried to turn him into. “Bucky...that’s- they’re not your fault! I have them too, you know I get them too and you know it took me a long time to realize it but it’s not my fault.” The words taste unfamiliar and strange, as if he wishes they were right ones but they’re not, like whenever he used to kiss dames but he was wishing he coulda been kissing Bucky. 

Right- Bucky. Steve snaps out of his reverie and repeats himself because it doesn’t matter whether or not he thinks it’s true, Bucky needs to hear it. “It’s not your fault either. Not even a little bit, Bucky.” He clings fiercely to Bucky, an obstinate and determined light in his eyes. 

Bucky recognizes the light and it calms him a bit because that’s Steve. The boy who fought for his life for so long as a sick little kid but never once stopped being optimistic. The kid who tried again and again to get into the army, not being deterred by odds or everyone who said no, you can’t. It’s Steve.

“It’s like you said. You took care of me for so long, and now it’s my turn to take care of you. And I will!” Steve waits earnestly, eyes full of love, just holding Bucky while Bucky thinks.

Bucky can’t let people in yet. He can’t do it. He’s not stable, he’s not safe, he still doesn’t entirely know who he is, is or was, or…whatever the right words even are for this. And yet- “What the fuck have you done with me Stevie?” Bucky murmurs, his thumb brushing across the lips of the man he’s staring up at. “I am so, totally in love with you, you punk.”

Steve grins. “Jerk.”

“Mhm.” Unwilling to waste another second, Bucky grabs Steve’s face and plants Steve’s lips against his own.

 

And if maybe in the morning Steve and Bucky go to the shared living room looking slightly happier than they did the day before, if maybe the Avengers notice a few shared glances and touches that didn’t used to be there…well, maybe they don’t say anything because they’re just happy that their friends are happy.


End file.
